Category Archives: My Journey

The Healer


 

2014-05-25 11.24.33

I was taking a nap one Sunday afternoon when it hit me. I need the Healer. I’m tired of dealing with the problems that come with PCOS. I rolled over on my back and placed my hands over my tummy and began to pray. Because I had been to the doctor many times before I was able to be very specific.  If you have ever gone through fertility treatments you began to feel like you are the doctor after a hundred visits!

One of the times I went for an ultrasound of my ovaries I asked the lady why my left one looked so funny.  Instead of being egg shaped like the right one it looked more like a crescent moon.  She smiled and said that it was tucked behind my uterus. I asked if that was a problem and she said no. They float around in there and sometimes do that. I breathed a sigh of relief and put it aside. Later that evening though it came back and really bothered me. The ovaries are attached by ligaments and the Fallopian tubes. What if that tube is kinked slightly? You know the egg travels from the ovary down the Fallopian tube right? Well now ya do lol. If there is even a slight kink or whatever, the egg won’t make it down in time to get fertilized and thus no pregnancy.

I mentioned it again to my Doctor but she still shrugged it off as nothing to worry about.

So on this afternoon of prayer, I asked God to move my ovary back where it was supposed to be and that if my uterus was wacky to do the same with it. After all, if that ovary is behind my uterus, is it possible that it is causing my uterus to be tilted?? See this is how my brain works. Haha.

Well on April 22nd I went to the Chiropractor. My hips and neck had been bothering me for quite sometime and were getting worse. It was getting harder and harder to walk without wincing and to stand without my feet going numb.  I filled out the paperwork and waited. I take a medication called Metformin because I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome but it is otherwise known to be used for diabetics.  If you would like to read more about how it works click here:  PCOS And Metformin. So of course it raises questions at the doctor’s office. I explained it to her and she got excited. She said, “You know there are articles about how Chiropractors can help with PCOS right?” I didn’t know actually. After my exam she explained that my uterus was probably misaligned because my hips and pelvis were twisted and basically jacked up.  That left ovary came to mind and so I mentioned it to her. She raised her eyebrows and said, “Your doctor didn’t think that was a problem? You know that’s not normal right?” I told her that it had been a concern of mine but what could I do? She said, “We are going to fix your hips which will put your uterus back where it is supposed to be and your ovary should go back!  I hope you still want to get pregnant because I’m gonna get you pregnant!”  She then quickly explained that she couldn’t actually guarantee that I would get pregnant but she was sure gonna try! She gave me a high five and said that I would be the first! Haha she is awesome.

Here is food for thought: Yes God could fix everything with just a flick of His little finger and that’s actually what I had expected when I prayed. I didn’t go to the Chiropractor for fertility reasons. I was in pain! But if this works, then my Chiropractor can then go on to help other women who may not have the same belief in the Healer but want so desperately to become a mother. I know exactly what that desperation feels like. I would love to be able to help others through this experience.  And this will only further Glorify God and honor Him.

Either way my baby  is coming. Even if this isn’t the exact way it happens. I am not getting my hopes tangled up completely in this. My hope is in God and I am following Him one more step at a time.

 

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The Crib


As a part of our faith walk the Hubs and I have begun decorating for our ‘Faith’ baby. It’s really difficult to decide on a theme. I had no idea! I had created a secret board on Pinterest quite awhile ago and have been adding to it like crazy.

Matt and I have spent several occasions sitting in the nursery trying to paint visual pictures of what the little one’s room will look like. When we got to the furniture, Matt said that he would like to build the crib himself. What a wonderful idea! I agreed wholeheartedly.  A few weeks later he came inside after tramping through the woods and declared that he had found a fallen tree that had beautiful wood and he wanted to use it. He was getting excited.

May 13th I had a bad day. Yes I have those. I was getting discouraged and my faith was taking a hit. I was on the way home from choir practice when I broke into tears and cried out to God in frustration. I am so immature I know. Who needs signs all the time? Who needs confirmation every day? Me apparently. That’s something I promise I am working on. But on this day I was weak and grumpy and hormonal and whatever! I pulled into the driveway and sitting in the back yard was a big hunk of wood and sitting next to it was a chain saw.2015-05-14 12.27.32He had drug it up from the woods and had started his project. He knew I was upset that day and struggling. He came outside, smiled great big, and took my hand, “You gonna hope with me?” I, of course, burst into tears ’cause that’s whatcha do.  Isn’t that just like God to look past your wining and pathetic tears and say, “Hey! I love you and I have not forgotten about you.” I stand amazed, yet again.

This faith thing is hard and sometimes I wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew. Yet at my weakest, He shows strength and amazing love.

My answer is YES. I will hope with my Husband. Will you also hope with me?

 

Believing…


 

Luke 1:45: Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.
Luke 1:45: Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her. *

 

I have a confession to make. I have trouble believing. Ever been there? Believing that God will answer my prayers and will actually be there to pick me up when I fall.  Faith is hard. Hope hurts.  Yet all He asks of us is to believe and trust.

I have struggled so much with this. I know many say that they have too. It’s rather common. But I have fought believing and walked on my own not even bothering to ask for help. Why should I? Why should He help me? Forget it. I will get what I want and desire on my own. I don’t need  His help.  I believe that to get what you want you have to work for it and work hard. I am independent. It hurts my pride to ask for help. Pride goes before the fall though. Think about that.

What’s so amazing though is that God has not stopped believing in me. Shockingly amazing. No matter how discouraged I get, He always sends a hug or smile or sometimes a straight out “HELLO! I’m watching you!” my way. He loves me. Truly LOVES me.

I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 5. I knew what it meant and I was sincere. I was raised by a minister and knew all the motions and words to say and do. I have for years “served” God. But only just recently learned what it is to know Him.  It’s sad really and as my cousin Lee put it ’embarrassing’ . (He is an amazing singer and worship leader by the way.) All of these years I have professed the name of Jesus and spoken of His love and Mercy but never truly grasped it or knew it as my own. I  heard a long time ago that a song is nothing but words and music until it touches your heart and soul. It is the same with life. Until you experience God’s Grace, Love, and Mercy you don’t know it.

Back to believing…He is teaching me the power of faith and believing. I am believing for a miracle as many of you know. A sweet baby to call my own and to raise up. I am finally believing that God can and will heal my body completely. He wants to. Since I have started believing He has sent angels my way in human form (family, friends) to encourage and lift me up. It is a constant flow and He is using my body to speak to me. Every day is one faith step at a time. He is using my husband to minister to me as the priest of our home should. Together we are standing in agreement that our miracle is on the way and to further take those steps we are getting our nursery put together. I have known for quite sometime that God was calling us to do this.  But Matt couldn’t.  “I don’t need a daily reminder that the crib is empty.” he said.  I understood so I didn’t push it. But after yet another confirmation from an unexpected source, there was no denying that it was time. “I think it’s still a little silly,” he said, “but why not?” Lets do it! One faith step at a time.

I want so much to share my entire testimony with you, my friends. But my testimony isn’t complete yet. It is nearing completion so be patient.  It will bring such glory and honor to God that I stand in awe already. No I am not pregnant at this present moment. But by faith, my baby is on the way. Yea I know I sound crazy, but if you could only experience what I have in these past few months, you would understand. You would dance for joy and laughter would fill your soul. It has filled mine. 🙂

 

(The necklace was given to me by my sister-in-law Rachael Scott. Check her out on facebook: Polished Arrow

The Plan


 

2014-03-08 18.06.00

Alert: It’s about to get real and looooooong!

Hello all. I hope that your New  year is going great! Mine is! Have you set new years resolutions yet? Don’t lie you know you have! LOL. I think we all have to tell the truth. Mine were more like a continuation of the ones from last year. I wanted to get healthier, get more organized, and stop wasting time. So far I have done all of those. Of course they still need to be worked on right? All of them are never ending.

Hubby and I are in the middle of our third week back in the gym and I already feel so much better. Sure the scale has not moved much but my stress levels and energy has definitely improved! I am working on the app Couch to 5K and Matt is doing his own thing. We are also doing the 30 day Plank challenge and are up to a min and a half! Not to impressive but hey when I started I could barely do 20 seconds so booya! We are both happy so far. 🙂

Now that you are sort of caught up on our lives (not that it is all that) there are a few things I would like to share with you. Matt and I had been going through fertility treatments again in 2014. Things seemed good and my body was doing what it was supposed to. But still no baby. Being that our attitude has been better and we are a bit more mature this time around, we are OK. That being said I was ready to give up completely. Meaning forever. Part of me was at peace with that. A big part. Not Matt though. He was not ready to give up. My heart was so bruised and heavy. On the one side it’s MY body darn it!The meds had started to take it’s toll on me and I was so tired of going and going and going. But on the other side this is also my husband’s life we were talking about. So I was torn. I prayed for a solution and one came.  I walked into the bedroom and told Matt that I wanted to take a break from fertility and start again in January. He heaved a sigh of relief and agreed. We both felt a huge weight lift off of our shoulders. This was in October. I wanted to enjoy the holidays crazy free!

Have you ever needed a straight answer from God? I did. I prayed and prayed that God would just let me know if it was going to happen in my life or not so that I could just plan. I’m a planner what can I say? I hate the inability to know the future. I don’t like surprises. It was with this mind set that around the Christmas break I broke down and just cried out in frustration. My patient love sat there and seemed to listen without any kind of emotion. As if to say “I’ve seen this before it’ll be over in a moment!” Men, have you ever felt that way? Of course you have!

A month or so prior to this, Matt and I had sat down to take a look at our plan. We had an opportunity come to our attention that I am not at liberty to discuss and it was going to rock our world if it came to pass. We were not ready for this. But on the other hand…is it God? Matt kept saying, “But it’s not in our plan. We had a plan.” OUR plan. That’s what I kept hearing. So I left the room and wrote this:

Simple, yes I know.
Simple, yes I know.

I gave it to him and told him that when he was ready to face that OUR plan may not be THE plan to tear this up and I would know. Cheesy I know! But effective.

So on this day of my break down after crying and being angry my sweet silent husband got up without a word and walked out of the room. He came back carrying that paper. He looked at me and said that he realized something and that the Lord had been speaking to him. I stared in shock. He never does this! He had suddenly realized that he and I had been so caught up in our own wants, demands, and heart that we had forgotten something vital…God’s heart. I was so ashamed. He was right. So guess what he did next?

HE TORE IT UP!
HE TORE IT UP!

That’s right. We do not have a plan. Yikes right? Actually, not so much. Peace settled over both of us. Matt said the way he figured it we don’t have control over our lives anyway. We gave that to God. So why not give him this too? Simple right?

So I felt good about it. But after a few days doubt started to creep back in. Hey I’m human too ya know. I wasn’t rethinking anything but one day as I was headed to choir practice I looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful sunset. I was moved to happy tears. I suddenly realized that I had not let go completely. I prayed and gave it to God right there. ALL of it. All of my fear, anxiety, anger, selfishness, and I told Him that I was ready to see His heart and to know it.

The next morning I came to work refreshed and renewed. I was listening to praise and worship on Pandora and humming a long when I got a knock on the door. I opened it up and it was a senior from the previous semester looking for a teacher. I teach Cosmetology at CGTC by the way. So we exchanged hellos and how are yous. I had not ever had an extended conversation with this young lady before. She didn’t know my story. She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “You look great! Everything that you are talking to God about right now is about to come to pass. It’s coming!” What the what? WOW!

Moral of this looooong story is when you let go and seek after GOD’S heart, He answers.

 

 

Dealing With Infertility And Loss Part 3


Small Flames
Small Fire

Positive? What?! But I thought? No way!! I started shaking. My heart stopped for a moment I swear. I’m going to be a Mom! I started laughing then crying! If ya coulda seen me you woulda thought I’d lost my mind! I called my doctor immediately for a blood test. “I’m not going to tell Matt until I know for sure” I said to myself. Yea right! I called him on the way to the Doctor.  I know, I know not very creative! But I just couldn’t wait! We had the results within the hour. A definite yes! My HCG levels were 80. She said that was good and that judging by the calendar and my levels I was about 4 weeks pregnant.  She wanted to see me in 48 hours to make sure those levels were going up.

Matt met me for lunch and we sat staring at each other in shock. Remember, the nurse had said that this month was a no go! But here we were expecting our first little miracle. We told our parents in person. Mama squealed and daddy cried. His daddy cried and his mom squealed. My brother Jon was the first sibling to find out on my side. He called in the middle of tears and squealing.  Matt’s sister Jessica was the first sibling to find out on his side. She also called at the right time. Spidey senses I think. 😉  The nieces and nephews were super excited to have another cousin! We proceeded to tell the world! We were flooded with well wishes and excitement that could be felt tangibly! This baby was so loved and was barely the size of a grit. I could not believe how many people came forward and told us that they had prayed for us and hoped for us. I was and am eternally humbled.

Thursday came and I went in proudly for my blood work. The staff was as excited as I was. You have to understand that they don’t always get news like this. Many men and women leave and never become parents. I was humbled and thankful and…wait what was this? Suddenly I stopped and realized something that has changed my life forever. All of that bitterness and anger that I had felt for so long was…gone. Completely. In it’s place was joy, unspeakable, and full of glory. God had heard. Tears came and I bowed my head and prayed a prayer that I never thought I would pray. Thanksgiving to the God that had created me and was even now forming my precious little one. Wow.

About two hours later the nurse called back.  “Shalah, I’m so sorry but I don’t have very good news. Your levels have plateaued. When this happens it means that you will probably miscarry. You need to come back Sunday for another blood test.” What? No way! No, no, NOOOO! This can’t be happening! As quickly as that joy had come it left and in it’s place was fear. Fear ugly and tormenting.  I called Matt and told him. When he came home he broke. I had no tears. I was scrambling for hope. He cried for a long time. We held each other.

Sunday came and somberly we went to the Doctor’s office again. One stick and she was done. She looked at us sadly and said she would let us know as soon as the results came back. The odd thing was that I felt fine. No spotting, no cramping, nothing. We got home and piddled around the house waiting. The call came and the moment of truth was upon us. The only hope we had was that my levels had gone back up. They hadn’t. They had gone down to 47. I was actively miscarrying and there was nothing to be done.

I fell to my knees and screamed in denial! No, no, NOOOOO!!! My husband met me on the floor where I fell and grabbed me.  Tears flowed and I could barely breath. I have never in my life felt such pain and despair. My chest tightened and I felt nausea roll over me. Spots were starting form and for a moment I thought I would pass out completely.

What happened next was the single most powerful thing that I have ever felt. God showed up. He sat down beside me to hold my hand. I looked up as a calm that only He can give came over me. I knew what had to be done. I took my husband’s hand,  placed it over my womb and prayed.

“Thank you Father. Thank you for this amazing gift that you have given us. I praise you and thank you. Now, Father, I am giving this gift back to you right now. Take my sweet baby and hold him/her where I can’t. Love this sweet baby until I can meet him/her in Heaven one day. I give you this baby.” At that very moment I felt the baby’s spirit leave my body and my creator, his/her Creator, took him/ her home.

Is it over? No. Is the pain gone? No way! Are there days when I still break down in sorrow and anger? Yeppers. But God is with me. He holds my hand. He healed my spirit. He gave me life. The baby was a spark of hope and joy that we had lost sight of through our struggles.

We named the baby Keagan, it means ‘Small Fire’.  🙂

Dealing With Infertility And Loss Part 2


Matt and Shalah

Through the years my husband and I have endured allot. If you have or are dealing with infertility then you will understand what I am about to say. But first a disclaimer. I am in no way trying to brow beat or hurt anyone’s feelings. I know that the things that people have said to my husband I were said with good intentions and love. I appreciate the efforts. Truly.

“When are you going to pop one out?” “Need me to show ya how it’s done? Hee Hee Hee.” “Oh it’s your turn next sweetie.” “Just relax, it will happen when you least expect it!” Seriously? Have you heard yourself talk? These were all things that we heard many times and still hear from time to time. Yea not something you should say without knowing the whole story.

I have many brothers and sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews whom I love dearly. There were times that I felt smothered by all the happy baby stuff though. Everyone is pregnant! All the time! Ya feel me? Once again I am not blaming or harboring any hard feelings towards anyone. Just being real. It hurts. Bad. Feeling like the only one who will go childless. At times KNOWING that it will NEVER happen for me.

The first go around of the new treatment was a wonderful and horrible thing for both of us. It was a Sunday afternoon when we went to the dr’s office. Yes I meant to say Sunday. The body doesn’t take the weekends off. 😉 We went to see if there was a follicle (tiny egg) ready to be babyfied.

“Are you ready?” the nurse asked. Of course I was ready! I had sweated all weekend hoping beyond hope that a little ‘Eggie’ was ready to go! It took a minute but when the nurse found it she smiled great big and whirled that screen around for me to see. “Look at that! It’s a big one!” Of course I had to take her word for it. Looked like a black screen to me. She ran off to call the doctor. When she came back she told us that the doc was coming to see us and today was the day. She then left the room.

I looked over at my husband and the tears had already started. This was it. I felt like she had just told that we were pregnant already! Tears were welling up in my husband’s eyes and the joy that we both felt was unmatched. I felt like the world had just been handed to me as a gift. We cried, we laughed, we hugged, and we rejoiced. We called our families and they each were so happy and excited. I was completely overwhelmed by the love that this baby was given even before him/her was conceived. Just writing about it gives me goose bumps!

We were told to wait for two weeks exactly to see if it took. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! And not a second sooner! Anxiously we waited. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Finally! At 3:00 a.m. exactly two weeks later, I jumped up and took a test. I couldn’t look. My stomach twisted in fear, anticipation, hope… Matt checked. Negative. Our world shattered. Again. Immediately I felt a familiar stir in my heart and my soul. Anger. Bitterness. Disappointment. Loss. Wait loss? There was nothing to loose right? There was no baby. Just a little egg. Loss?

My anger had long since turned towards God. After all with a twitch of His little finger and all of my fertility problems would be gone. Right? How hard was it for Him. I mean come on. Just a split second. That’s all it would take. I felt so alone. Secluded. Separated from Him. That evening we went out to, well to get out. On the way home I was silent, growing angrier by the second. Thousands of emotions whirled through my body, but none more powerful than utter defeat. I was done. No more. I gave up. It just wasn’t going to happen and it was time to just except it.

I opened my mouth and told my husband exactly what I felt! “I feel death! That’s all. No life! I feel like we lost a child and can’t even bury it!” I began to cry uncontrollably. My heart literally felt broken. All my dreams were dust. We turned into the drive way. My husband calmly turned the car off, unhooked his seat belt, and grabbed me.  “No”. he whispered. “Our child is NOT dead! Don’t give up on me now! Our child is alive and one day we will hold him/her and watch him/her grow and play sports, graduate high school, get married, and have children of their own! Our child is alive!” For those of you who know my husband, he isn’t exactly a man of many words. Yet when he speaks it’s as if the world stops in awe. He whispered more comforting words and I was reminded of a moment in church right before we had started dating when God had whispered in my ear, “When one is weak, the other WILL be strong.” Could it be that God was whispering in my ear right then as well? I like to think so.

Dealing With Infertility And Loss Part 1


tree

Ok…so…I know there are tons of stories out there talking about infertility. But they are not mine. This is mine in short. To tell you all the details would be…excruciatingly looooong!

My husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 years now. We have tried to start our family for 8 of those years. We started early because I knew that genetically I had been handed down a set of fertility issues. Although my mother had 4 kids, there were problems conceiving at first. Lots of prayer and hope there. In 2005 or 06 I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). My mother had it so I got it too. It is a condition, while not impossible to get pregnant with, can be extremely difficult to get pregnant with. If you would like to learn more about PCOS look here: https://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.html. We had several rounds of fertility treatments which of course if you know or have had experience with these treatments can drive ya nuts!

This Stuff will make a loony!
This stuff will make ya loony!

I didn’t tolerate it well and so didn’t make it past the second treatment usually. No luck. This was an extremely emotional time for my husband and I. In the early Fall of 2009 my husband lost his job. Being that I would be the one to have to carry our finances for awhile we decided to wait on starting a family. It was to risky and scary. Two years later we were back on our feet and decided to try again. Once again no luck and lots of tears.

We sought out a fertility specialist finally and started new treatments. The first round didn’t work. I went in for another ultrasound the second time around and was told that my ovaries were quiet and that it was a no go. “We will go up a dose next month” the nurse said. I walked out discouraged and tears forming at the back of my throat.

Why? Why me? I have been raised with a strong faith in our Creator and a strong respect for prayer and how it works. I know it works! I’ve seen it with my own eyes. But for some reason when I pray about this I feel as though there is a wall between me and God. I have prayed my self into the Holy Of Holies I have all but seen the face of God! I know God hears me. But for some reason I feel or hear nothing about this from Him.

Tuesday September the 24th 2013 I woke up like any other day. I got a shower, got dressed like normal. As I was getting ready to brush my teeth I realized that I was late with my cycle. Nothing new about that but the week before I had been plagued with headaches. I had popped some Excedrine several times just to function they were so bad. I thought to myself that IF I was pregnant I was nuking this baby! I rolled my eyes at myself and grabbed a test. I knew it would be negative. So I calmly  went about brushing my teeth ignoring the stupid test that would only make my day bad. I took a peek and almost choked on my own spit! It was a big fat positive!