Alert: It’s about to get real and looooooong!
Hello all. I hope that your New year is going great! Mine is! Have you set new years resolutions yet? Don’t lie you know you have! LOL. I think we all have to tell the truth. Mine were more like a continuation of the ones from last year. I wanted to get healthier, get more organized, and stop wasting time. So far I have done all of those. Of course they still need to be worked on right? All of them are never ending.
Hubby and I are in the middle of our third week back in the gym and I already feel so much better. Sure the scale has not moved much but my stress levels and energy has definitely improved! I am working on the app Couch to 5K and Matt is doing his own thing. We are also doing the 30 day Plank challenge and are up to a min and a half! Not to impressive but hey when I started I could barely do 20 seconds so booya! We are both happy so far. 🙂
Now that you are sort of caught up on our lives (not that it is all that) there are a few things I would like to share with you. Matt and I had been going through fertility treatments again in 2014. Things seemed good and my body was doing what it was supposed to. But still no baby. Being that our attitude has been better and we are a bit more mature this time around, we are OK. That being said I was ready to give up completely. Meaning forever. Part of me was at peace with that. A big part. Not Matt though. He was not ready to give up. My heart was so bruised and heavy. On the one side it’s MY body darn it!The meds had started to take it’s toll on me and I was so tired of going and going and going. But on the other side this is also my husband’s life we were talking about. So I was torn. I prayed for a solution and one came. I walked into the bedroom and told Matt that I wanted to take a break from fertility and start again in January. He heaved a sigh of relief and agreed. We both felt a huge weight lift off of our shoulders. This was in October. I wanted to enjoy the holidays crazy free!
Have you ever needed a straight answer from God? I did. I prayed and prayed that God would just let me know if it was going to happen in my life or not so that I could just plan. I’m a planner what can I say? I hate the inability to know the future. I don’t like surprises. It was with this mind set that around the Christmas break I broke down and just cried out in frustration. My patient love sat there and seemed to listen without any kind of emotion. As if to say “I’ve seen this before it’ll be over in a moment!” Men, have you ever felt that way? Of course you have!
A month or so prior to this, Matt and I had sat down to take a look at our plan. We had an opportunity come to our attention that I am not at liberty to discuss and it was going to rock our world if it came to pass. We were not ready for this. But on the other hand…is it God? Matt kept saying, “But it’s not in our plan. We had a plan.” OUR plan. That’s what I kept hearing. So I left the room and wrote this:
I gave it to him and told him that when he was ready to face that OUR plan may not be THE plan to tear this up and I would know. Cheesy I know! But effective.
So on this day of my break down after crying and being angry my sweet silent husband got up without a word and walked out of the room. He came back carrying that paper. He looked at me and said that he realized something and that the Lord had been speaking to him. I stared in shock. He never does this! He had suddenly realized that he and I had been so caught up in our own wants, demands, and heart that we had forgotten something vital…God’s heart. I was so ashamed. He was right. So guess what he did next?
That’s right. We do not have a plan. Yikes right? Actually, not so much. Peace settled over both of us. Matt said the way he figured it we don’t have control over our lives anyway. We gave that to God. So why not give him this too? Simple right?
So I felt good about it. But after a few days doubt started to creep back in. Hey I’m human too ya know. I wasn’t rethinking anything but one day as I was headed to choir practice I looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful sunset. I was moved to happy tears. I suddenly realized that I had not let go completely. I prayed and gave it to God right there. ALL of it. All of my fear, anxiety, anger, selfishness, and I told Him that I was ready to see His heart and to know it.
The next morning I came to work refreshed and renewed. I was listening to praise and worship on Pandora and humming a long when I got a knock on the door. I opened it up and it was a senior from the previous semester looking for a teacher. I teach Cosmetology at CGTC by the way. So we exchanged hellos and how are yous. I had not ever had an extended conversation with this young lady before. She didn’t know my story. She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “You look great! Everything that you are talking to God about right now is about to come to pass. It’s coming!” What the what? WOW!
Moral of this looooong story is when you let go and seek after GOD’S heart, He answers.