Positive? What?! But I thought? No way!! I started shaking. My heart stopped for a moment I swear. I’m going to be a Mom! I started laughing then crying! If ya coulda seen me you woulda thought I’d lost my mind! I called my doctor immediately for a blood test. “I’m not going to tell Matt until I know for sure” I said to myself. Yea right! I called him on the way to the Doctor. I know, I know not very creative! But I just couldn’t wait! We had the results within the hour. A definite yes! My HCG levels were 80. She said that was good and that judging by the calendar and my levels I was about 4 weeks pregnant. She wanted to see me in 48 hours to make sure those levels were going up.
Matt met me for lunch and we sat staring at each other in shock. Remember, the nurse had said that this month was a no go! But here we were expecting our first little miracle. We told our parents in person. Mama squealed and daddy cried. His daddy cried and his mom squealed. My brother Jon was the first sibling to find out on my side. He called in the middle of tears and squealing. Matt’s sister Jessica was the first sibling to find out on his side. She also called at the right time. Spidey senses I think. 😉 The nieces and nephews were super excited to have another cousin! We proceeded to tell the world! We were flooded with well wishes and excitement that could be felt tangibly! This baby was so loved and was barely the size of a grit. I could not believe how many people came forward and told us that they had prayed for us and hoped for us. I was and am eternally humbled.
Thursday came and I went in proudly for my blood work. The staff was as excited as I was. You have to understand that they don’t always get news like this. Many men and women leave and never become parents. I was humbled and thankful and…wait what was this? Suddenly I stopped and realized something that has changed my life forever. All of that bitterness and anger that I had felt for so long was…gone. Completely. In it’s place was joy, unspeakable, and full of glory. God had heard. Tears came and I bowed my head and prayed a prayer that I never thought I would pray. Thanksgiving to the God that had created me and was even now forming my precious little one. Wow.
About two hours later the nurse called back. “Shalah, I’m so sorry but I don’t have very good news. Your levels have plateaued. When this happens it means that you will probably miscarry. You need to come back Sunday for another blood test.” What? No way! No, no, NOOOO! This can’t be happening! As quickly as that joy had come it left and in it’s place was fear. Fear ugly and tormenting. I called Matt and told him. When he came home he broke. I had no tears. I was scrambling for hope. He cried for a long time. We held each other.
Sunday came and somberly we went to the Doctor’s office again. One stick and she was done. She looked at us sadly and said she would let us know as soon as the results came back. The odd thing was that I felt fine. No spotting, no cramping, nothing. We got home and piddled around the house waiting. The call came and the moment of truth was upon us. The only hope we had was that my levels had gone back up. They hadn’t. They had gone down to 47. I was actively miscarrying and there was nothing to be done.
I fell to my knees and screamed in denial! No, no, NOOOOO!!! My husband met me on the floor where I fell and grabbed me. Tears flowed and I could barely breath. I have never in my life felt such pain and despair. My chest tightened and I felt nausea roll over me. Spots were starting form and for a moment I thought I would pass out completely.
What happened next was the single most powerful thing that I have ever felt. God showed up. He sat down beside me to hold my hand. I looked up as a calm that only He can give came over me. I knew what had to be done. I took my husband’s hand, placed it over my womb and prayed.
“Thank you Father. Thank you for this amazing gift that you have given us. I praise you and thank you. Now, Father, I am giving this gift back to you right now. Take my sweet baby and hold him/her where I can’t. Love this sweet baby until I can meet him/her in Heaven one day. I give you this baby.” At that very moment I felt the baby’s spirit leave my body and my creator, his/her Creator, took him/ her home.
Is it over? No. Is the pain gone? No way! Are there days when I still break down in sorrow and anger? Yeppers. But God is with me. He holds my hand. He healed my spirit. He gave me life. The baby was a spark of hope and joy that we had lost sight of through our struggles.
We named the baby Keagan, it means ‘Small Fire’. 🙂