Through the years my husband and I have endured allot. If you have or are dealing with infertility then you will understand what I am about to say. But first a disclaimer. I am in no way trying to brow beat or hurt anyone’s feelings. I know that the things that people have said to my husband I were said with good intentions and love. I appreciate the efforts. Truly.
“When are you going to pop one out?” “Need me to show ya how it’s done? Hee Hee Hee.” “Oh it’s your turn next sweetie.” “Just relax, it will happen when you least expect it!” Seriously? Have you heard yourself talk? These were all things that we heard many times and still hear from time to time. Yea not something you should say without knowing the whole story.
I have many brothers and sister-in-laws and many nieces and nephews whom I love dearly. There were times that I felt smothered by all the happy baby stuff though. Everyone is pregnant! All the time! Ya feel me? Once again I am not blaming or harboring any hard feelings towards anyone. Just being real. It hurts. Bad. Feeling like the only one who will go childless. At times KNOWING that it will NEVER happen for me.
The first go around of the new treatment was a wonderful and horrible thing for both of us. It was a Sunday afternoon when we went to the dr’s office. Yes I meant to say Sunday. The body doesn’t take the weekends off. 😉 We went to see if there was a follicle (tiny egg) ready to be babyfied.
“Are you ready?” the nurse asked. Of course I was ready! I had sweated all weekend hoping beyond hope that a little ‘Eggie’ was ready to go! It took a minute but when the nurse found it she smiled great big and whirled that screen around for me to see. “Look at that! It’s a big one!” Of course I had to take her word for it. Looked like a black screen to me. She ran off to call the doctor. When she came back she told us that the doc was coming to see us and today was the day. She then left the room.
I looked over at my husband and the tears had already started. This was it. I felt like she had just told that we were pregnant already! Tears were welling up in my husband’s eyes and the joy that we both felt was unmatched. I felt like the world had just been handed to me as a gift. We cried, we laughed, we hugged, and we rejoiced. We called our families and they each were so happy and excited. I was completely overwhelmed by the love that this baby was given even before him/her was conceived. Just writing about it gives me goose bumps!
We were told to wait for two weeks exactly to see if it took. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! And not a second sooner! Anxiously we waited. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Finally! At 3:00 a.m. exactly two weeks later, I jumped up and took a test. I couldn’t look. My stomach twisted in fear, anticipation, hope… Matt checked. Negative. Our world shattered. Again. Immediately I felt a familiar stir in my heart and my soul. Anger. Bitterness. Disappointment. Loss. Wait loss? There was nothing to loose right? There was no baby. Just a little egg. Loss?
My anger had long since turned towards God. After all with a twitch of His little finger and all of my fertility problems would be gone. Right? How hard was it for Him. I mean come on. Just a split second. That’s all it would take. I felt so alone. Secluded. Separated from Him. That evening we went out to, well to get out. On the way home I was silent, growing angrier by the second. Thousands of emotions whirled through my body, but none more powerful than utter defeat. I was done. No more. I gave up. It just wasn’t going to happen and it was time to just except it.
I opened my mouth and told my husband exactly what I felt! “I feel death! That’s all. No life! I feel like we lost a child and can’t even bury it!” I began to cry uncontrollably. My heart literally felt broken. All my dreams were dust. We turned into the drive way. My husband calmly turned the car off, unhooked his seat belt, and grabbed me. “No”. he whispered. “Our child is NOT dead! Don’t give up on me now! Our child is alive and one day we will hold him/her and watch him/her grow and play sports, graduate high school, get married, and have children of their own! Our child is alive!” For those of you who know my husband, he isn’t exactly a man of many words. Yet when he speaks it’s as if the world stops in awe. He whispered more comforting words and I was reminded of a moment in church right before we had started dating when God had whispered in my ear, “When one is weak, the other WILL be strong.” Could it be that God was whispering in my ear right then as well? I like to think so.